Amalgamation Station, what’s their inspiration?

SciFi’s original movies rank at the top of horrid-stuff-you-love charts.  But you ever get repeated, disparate feelings of déjà vu?

I am now thoroughly convinced that you can break any SciFi film down into recognizable constituents numbering no less than two, averaging three.  They’re all just these strange, decently filmed, horribly special-effect-ed stews thrown haphazardly together by a bunch of drunk-off-their-keesters cooks groping in the dark for whatever is closest in the fridge.

Beowulf (1999) starring Christopher Lambert and Rhona Mitra

Yesterday, while waiting for playoff-ness to begin, we happened upon this Beowulf interpretation starring Christopher Lambert.  Instead of the usual Old English, medieval-kinda, viking-kinda fare, we got an action flick set in a post-apocalyptic Sweden.  There were mechanized, flamethrowing pincers on the towers, which were patrolled by bmx-padding-clad soldiers wielding weapons affixed with buzzsaws (but no guns).  Instead of a funeral pyre longboat, the king was cremated in an incinerator (I think, I could be wrong).  Also Beowulf has super powers of some sort derived from a half-demon heritage and fights the evil inside by fighting the evil outside.

Hmm, so we have:

Beowulf + Mad Max + sprinkling of Blade = crazy-ass film

I’m imagining the creative folks at SciFi in the office with a dart board with tons of movie titles taped to it.  When the writers need a new movie idea, they just throw a few darts and then combine whatever happens to hit.

“Alright guys, I’ve got Apocalypto + Jurassic Park.  Hmm.  I’ve got it!  Aztec Rex!”

Apocalypto (2006)

Jurassic Park (1993)

Aztec Rex (2008)

Don’t mistake me.  I love SciFi films.   I found myself guiltily asking to watch.  Did I regret it?  Hell no and of course not.

Did I mention that Grendel’s mum had a head design that I swear must be directly inspired if not lovingly scammed from the Borg Queen?  In human form she’s blond avec 80s/90s wavy hot iron hair, breast implants, and wears so much nothing that SciFi pulled out the blurs.  Of course, she (successfully) attempted to seduce a soldier named Roland, and I can’t help but scream, “Dude, a hot, practically naked blonde with a bad perm appearing out of nowhere and throwing herself at you is EVIL.  Gird your loins, dammit!”

T’was a flick chock full of favorite B-movie sins:

- Ridiculous dialog:  “But tonight I am full of magic.” And behold, a million innuendos and dirty jokes were begotten.

-Unfair gender-based stylings: All of the men wield huge claymores and longswords (the sports car for the medieval or the simply anachronistic), while Rhona Mitra (hotness!) runs around with her boobs perfectly propped (it’s Sweden, must be bloody cold) and a dinner knife.  Yes, a dinner knife.

“Oh, look at the big scary monster with purple fumes and nasty, big pointy teeth!  Feel the vengeance of my silverware!”

-Awkward sex scenes: Grendel’s mum comes to give Hrothgar (ahem) pleasant dreams.  And I swear they re-used footage in those bits.  Literally cut-and-paste.

-Really, really, really fast and easy conflict resolution and denoument:

GRENDEL’S MUM: Rawr!  Beowulf, gaze up at my true, considerably less sexy, badly CGI-ed form!

BEOWULF: [insert zippy quip] I now poke you with a flaming stick!  [Grendel's mom not only goes up like last year's Christmas tree after that unfortunate oven-roast incident but takes the whole bloody castle with her in less than a minute]

Later that day (10 seconds later actually)…

KYRA (Rhona Mitra): Beowulf, I love you.  Take me with you.

BEOWULF: No.  I am too moody and forcibly raspy-voiced.

KYRA: Yes!  I will get you a Ricola!

BEOWULF: No.

KYRA: Yes!  I will have hot, chilly-breasted sex with you lots!

BEOWULF: No.

KYRA : Please?

BEOWULF: Well, okay.

All in all, the whole movie-mixing method produces brilliance, bloody awesome art even.  XoXoX, SciFi.